Do I live for me, for him, for sex or for the sweet pain. I know that my pain is not excessive, it is not scarring mentally or physically, it is not unbearable, it is just aimed at my own tolerance levels. What do I like the most? The actual physical side or the anticipation? I function perfectly well away from him but when my mind wanders I start to wonder what will happen next time?, when will the next time be? Have I done anything that I shouldn’t have? Have I cum without him or his express command? Do I just find excuses to feel that I need to say “Punish me”?God I nearly missed hearing him move – must concentrate! I feel his fingers gently prising me open and I can’t help myself I contract my arse cheeks together – quickly I release them fearing the punishment – why did he not punish me? Have I lost his interest? “Please I need to know my place in the bedroom” – “Punish me” Without warning I feel the sting of leather thongs hitting my arse, not once or twice but three. Sensei answered, "It is difficult to write about something which is so intangible." Can we cut short the physical part of the lesson to spend some time talking about ki tonight please? Ki is the aspect of Aikido that I'm most interested in." We should do that. Normal students take so long to develop their ki that I spread my comments about it over many months, but doing so with you would be incorrect."We got on with the warming up and the physical aspect of the training, including quite a lot more bo work, because I wasn't learning that as fast or as well.During our halftime break, while we were sharing my food in the kitchen, I told Sensei, "I'm embarrassed to tell you that I got involved in another fight. I know good aikidoka seek to avoid combat, but I was attacked by six guys at school this afternoon." Oh?" Sensei looked concerned. Obviously not about my health, because we'd been training happily for nearly two hours. About my morality, I guessed."I definitely don't want you to.
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